genesis17

The Bible but Make it Gen Z: Genesis Chapter 17 🤝✨
Okay bestie, here's the tea on what went down:
So Abram's living his best life at 99 years old when God slides into his DMs like "Yo, it's your boy, the Almighty! Keep it 💯 with me and stay on that perfect grind."
God's like "No cap, we bout to make this crazy contract rn, finna make you blow up fr fr." Abram straight up face-planted, he was so shook.
God's dropping these major announcements:"Listen up fam - you're about to be the CEO of multiple nations, no cap. We're doing a whole rebrand rn - Abram's giving main character energy but it ain't it anymore. From now on you're Abraham because you're literally gonna be everyone's dad, respectfully."
God's really out here blessing him with that multiplication pack: "Imma make you go viral fr fr. You'll have whole nations coming from your bloodline, kings and everything, straight bussin."
Then God hits him with that lifetime contract: "This deal? It's forever. Me and you? We locked in 🔒 And all your kids and their kids? They in the group chat too. Plus, catch this W - all of Canaan? That's yours now bestie. Your whole squad gets to inherit it."
But then God dropped the terms and conditions: "Aight but here's the catch - everyone needs to get circumcised. That's the verification check ✅ on our agreement. Every guy in your circle, whether they're day ones or new mutuals, gotta get snipped at 8 days old. No skips."
God wasn't done with the updates either. He's like "Btw, your wife's getting a rebrand too. Sarai? That's old school. We calling her Sarah now, and she's about to be a whole mommy influencer fr fr."
Abraham was so dead he started rolling 💀 thinking "Ain't no way my 100-year-old self and my 90-year-old wife bout to have a baby, that's cap." He tried to plug his son Ishmael instead but God said "Nah fam, Sarah's gonna have your son fr fr, name him Isaac. That's who I'm making my forever collab with."
But God's not leaving Ishmael on read either: "Don't trip, I gotchu. Your boy's gonna be blessed too, gonna make him a whole nation with 12 princes and everything, but Isaac's still gonna be the main event."
Then Abraham said "bet" and didn't even procrastinate. Mans really went and circumcised his whole household that same day - himself at 99, Ishmael at 13, and every other guy in his crew. No cap, that's what you call commitment fr fr. 💯
And that's on periodt. ✨🤝